Ever locked eyes with a handsome stranger in aisle 1,467 of Walmart as you reached for those Slipper Genie Dusting Slippers that you saw an infomercial for that one time as you sipped your rosé and laughed to your cat named Smittens, thinking, those are SO silly! but then you awoke to cold feet and a lackluster floor and, well, here you are. Wait, where are we? Ah, yes, the handsome stranger! Unbeknownst to you, mystery Joe over there is making a mental note of not only your velvet scrunchie and neon Skechers but also your seemingly pathological indecisiveness when it comes to choosing a color! He laughs to himself as you muse aloud, “Ooh, lavender might be nice. Calming, even. But I do LOVE green.”
Green it is. You grab the box, smile politely at Joe, – whoa, are his eyes BLUE–GREEN?!?!? – and make your way back down the 1,467 aisles, among all the people of Walmart, to fork over the $10 that you were going to spend on another three bottles of wine but the slippers just seem more important right now. Your floor IS dirty.
And then there’s Joe. Ah, Joe. He’s moved on to aisle 837 (socks) and is now kicking himself that he didn’t say anything to the brunette in the cat-hair-covered sweats in aisle 1,467. In the 6.43 minutes you spent choosing slippers, Joe was cooking up one-liners as he mindlessly picked up and put down various items in the As Seen On TV aisle (aisle 1,467, to be exact).
Hmm, maybe a Bacon Wave would be nice, he ponders. Then, you make your lavender comment and Joe stifles a laugh. He’s thinking of something to say, something like, You know what’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper! Good God, Joe, could you BE any creepier?! He keeps his mouth shut, puts down the Bacon Wave, picks up a Quick Taco Baking Rack because why the hell not and, well, here we are.
Two people and a silly shared moment. Two people noticeably noticing one another, yet not sharing a word. In the olden days, perhaps a mail carrying pigeon would be sent by one in hopes of finding the other. But, alas, we live in the modern era – oh, joy! Oh, JOE. He can’t get the scrunchie-sweatpants gal out of his head.
THANK GOODNESS FOR CRAIGLIST MISSED CONNECTIONS.
Joe, 28, scurries home to let out grandpa – his dog, not his relative – and then sits down for a nice mindless scroll on the ol’ Insta, @yoitsjoe747. He has a new follower, @itsmefromcraigslist. (Oh, wait that’s ME. #shamelessplug) Huh, people still do this? Maybe I should…nah, that’d be WEIRD. Ah, what the hell. *chugs another beer*
Subject: Walmart, Aisle 1,467, Anywheresville, USA
“To the brunette with the scrunchie – was that velvet?? – and neon Skechers picking out those silly “As Seen On TV” dusting slippers this afternoon.
I didn’t need a TV to SEE you. I think I might be in love with you. I’ll give you a mess to clean up!
GOOD GOD, JOE, GET IT TOGETHER.
I think you’re lovely and I was amused by your delight in picking out those slippers! I ended up buying some ridiculous taco shell maker thing myself. Perhaps we can have an As Seen On TV date! Fish tacos, anyone? Let’s taco bout it soon! Oh, by the way, I’m Joe!”
*uploads…aaaand it’s live.
And wouldn’t you know it, our mystery brunette, Daria, 26, is a fellow weirdo who LOVES a good missed connection. In fact, it’s a bit of a nightly ritual for her to read through the posts from Anywheresville, USA. She’s just finished dancing/dusting around her studio apartment – Smittens looking on in HORROR – and she curls up with her laptop. And that’s when she sees it:
“Walmart, Aisle 1,467, Anywheresville, USA”
Daria is SHOOK, as they say. She reads the post, immediately recognizing herself in it. She laughs, it’s silly, but oh, good God, what the f–
Fish tacos, seriously?? Does this ass think he’s being FUNNY?
RE: Subject: Walmart, Aisle 1,467, Anywheresville, USA
Are you serious, Joe? Fish tacos? Are you some kind of pervert who hangs out in aisle 1,467 just for funsies? I bet you’re the type who would make some sick joke like, “You know what’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper!” But you wouldn’t be talking about a SLIPPER, would you, Joe? I AM SO GLAD I MISSED OUT ON YOU.
Well, we showed him Smittens.
A reply? Already? *clicks* oh my God, oh my God, I am an IDIOT. Fish tacos, I literally meant FISH like– oh BLOODY HELL. I do wish I were British so I could say that more often. UGH BUT WHY DIDN’T I JUST SAY CHICKEN. JEEEEZUSSSS. I KNEW I SHOULD’VE WENT WITH THE BACON WAVE.
Or, Joe could’ve just said something in-person?! Gah, I’m endlessly amused and fascinated by the Missed Connection section on Craigslist. In fact, yes, I recently made an Instagram dedicated to these poetic posts. It’s as sad as it is heartwarming– all of these lost souls, exchanging sweet smiles and small talk at gas stations, bodegas, and dog parks around the world (JK, we’re all just looking at the doggos and puppers there). I’m a weirdo; equal parts cynic, equal parts romantic. I mean, I married my first fucking boyfriend because HOW ROMANTIC but in retrospect, so silly omg (it didn’t work out, most marriages don’t – THE CYNIC IS BACK YAY). ANYWAY… I used to dream of the person who’d finally fall madly in love with me and how it could literally be anyone and I’d walk around thinking, could it be him? That guy stocking shelves in Trader Joe’s! He was humming…a JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE song?!?!? Señorita?!!?! And he smiled at me! And omg I’ll never see him again but WHAT IF IT’S HIM AND IT’S MEANT TO BE. *posts a note on Craigslist* JK, never did that, but I LOVE the people who do. And SURE there are creepers like fictitious Joe out there, well OK, maybe he actually wasn’t being gross but Daria will never know what really lies behind those blue-green eyes, will she?! But there’s something weirdly romantic about someone taking the time to write something out, to try and get your attention, to say “hey! I noticed you! did you notice me noticing you? will you notice me back?” When I worked in NYC, I thought about this OFTEN, like WAY too often, as I rode Metro-North to and from Grand Central every day. What if, instead of a quiet car we had a social car?! These are things I’d think about. ALL THE TIME. And I still do, tbh. As introverted as I am, I wish folks were more social and less weird about, well, being weird. But, I guess it IS easier when alcohol is involved. C’est la vie. In closing, (lol am I writing a fucking dissertation? idk), here are some curated Craigslist Missed Connections for ya – a lot of y’all are missing each other at various marts of Wal, FYI.
From Hawaii to North Dakota, folks are just trying to find love at their local Walmart. Follow @itsmefromcraigslist for alllll missed connections, not just Walmart.
Spread kindness and cheer, xo